Category Archives: Friendships

2016 Recap

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I admit to being a terrible blogger…when the semester hits the fan I am nowhere to be found, it would appear.  But looking back…it would also appear that when the summer hits the fan I am nowhere to be found, either!  I am going to forgive myself and simply inform any readers that my blog-absence is my way of demonstrating my human failing so that YOU can do the same in some other way and we can still love and respect one another.

My blog absence had NOTHING to do with BIG things happening in my life (which makes the fact that I did not document them even more absurd).  I traveled to Bali, Indonesia with my gamelan troop and performed at the Bali Arts Festival. I said goodbye to my “surrogate” mother who died on Mother’s Day (of all things!) and was memorialized in August in a beautiful service. We acquired new family members, Luke and Lorelai, the parakeets.  I got half a new knee (the surgery from which I am still recuperating).  I read 21 books (actually I listened to 21 books).  I knitted a bunch of lovely things.  Friends got hitched (shout out to Tom and Stuart, Shannon and Jonathan).  An election shit show was endured.  We (collectively) lost Carrie Fischer, Glenn Frey, Leonard Cohen, Mohammed Ali, Richard Adams, and many other pivotal public figures.  And a bunch of my beloved undergraduate students got themselves graduated!

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On this the eve of 2017 I hope/intend/promise myself to do the following next year:

  • Listen to or read 25 books
  • Avoid purchasing any new yarn (there are a few exceptions to this resolution)
  • meditate 20 minutes four times per week
  • go to the gym four times per week
  • Work on my scholarship for at least half an hour four times per week
  • Post on this blog twice a month (at least)!

Writing Papers is Messy Work

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I have been writing the paper from hell for the last two months…almost non-stop.  If we ignore the ginormous pile of laundry on my bedroom floor, the gross dog-haired, dusty floorboards in every room, and  the back porch furniture overturned in the latest wind storm that has not been up-righted, writing papers is STILL messy work.  To wit:

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What might not be quickly identifiable in that stack is my February bank statement (unresolved), my local tax bill (unpaid), and a knitting pattern or two (unfiled).  You CAN see my beloved iced coffee, a beverage I’ve been consuming like my life depends on it.

In the last two months I have had occasional breaks.  I have only had to miss Gamelan rehearsal once.  i went out for a glass of wine with friends two weeks ago.  I manage make it to the gym only slightly less frequently than I do when I am not under a major work-crush.  But if anybody decides to “pop by” my house they will be left standing on the porch because my house is so gross even I have to avert my gaze.  And will continue to do so until this monster-from-hell gets sent to the journal editor!

“We Get by with a Little Help from…” – Billy Shears

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When I was in graduate school I took several courses on “Close Relationships”.  Invariably, the studies we read about were focused on romantic ties and marriage/family issues.  Because I like to “poke” at things I consistently questioned why the field was so obsessed with romantic love. Aren’t friendships more ubiquitous?  I mean, lots of people won’t hold up a hand when asked if they are in a romantic partnership but just about everybody can claim a friend!  Turns out there was not a lot of research about friendships in the social psychology literature (there was more in the Developmental journals).  I wondered if relationship processes were different in friendships than they were in romantic relationships and one of my first projects along these lines was a large survey (created with Michael P. Johnson) asking people to answer relationship questions for three people: their closest same-sex friend, closest opposite-sex friend, and their romantic partner.  At the time my fascination was with the Principle of Least Interest* (Willard Waller, 1938) and whether or not there were relational asymmetries across all three relationship types.  I won’t reveal the findings here as the paper is under review but suffice it to say it was worth asking the question!

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I am currently working with a developmental psychologist (Caitlin Faas Bond) on a project involving friendship breakups.  We each had our students write essays on an ex-friendship. Their stories were so heart-wrenching we knew we had to study this in more depth to understand the dynamics involved.  Whenever I refer to this topic in a class or at a talk LOTS of people want to share with me their experiences with former friends.

*The Principle of Least Interest describes the phenomenon wherein the partner less interested in a relationship has greater power.  We all know that story.