{"id":605,"date":"2020-11-24T21:25:49","date_gmt":"2020-11-25T01:25:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/?page_id=605"},"modified":"2021-06-24T16:09:18","modified_gmt":"2021-06-24T20:09:18","slug":"youre-not-listening","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/fiction-archive\/youre-not-listening\/","title":{"rendered":"You’re Not Listening"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"

images from Up in the Air<\/em> series by Margret Wiss<\/p><\/div>\r\n

\u00a0<\/h3>\r\n

You’re Not Listening<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n

Casey McConahay<\/p>\r\n

She picked through half-eaten salad drowned in pools of ranch dressing. A man behind us discussed an article he\u2019d read in the latest\u00a0Reader\u2019s Digest<\/em>, and as the man explained that the secret to looking younger was drinking cucumber water, I took the spoon from my plate and tapped the spoon in my palm.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cDeaf?\u201d I asked Madison.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cDeaf,\u201d she replied.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cBut you\u2019ve heard what I said. You can hear me.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI have my hearing aids in. Yes, I heard.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She stabbed her fork in a cherry tomato. It sprayed red juice on the table, and the spoon in my palm drummed a theme-song I knew from a sitcom. She sank the ripe, round tomato in a puddle of ranch.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t have to see each other again,\u201d she told me. \u201cI understand that it\u2019s different.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I stung the skin of my palm with the tapping. She liked Terrence Malick movies and rode her bicycle in the city. She talked about things like moral relativism and biodiversity and said that if she could go anywhere in the world, she\u2019d go to New Caledonia to look at flowers and birds. Her smile was warm, and she liked to go camping.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThis is nice,\u201d I told Madison.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cYes, this is nice.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She ate the last dripping pieces of lettuce.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey have great steaks here,\u201d I told her. \u201cDo you want to get steaks?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI\u2019m a vegan,\u201d she said.<\/p>\r\n

<\/p>\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We rode our bikes on the weekend. She had a basket on her handlebars\u2014a white wicker basket that held a raincoat, her keys, and a bike-lock\u2014and when she pedaled the bike, her housekeys jangled and bounced.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey\u2019re like a bell,\u201d I said. \u201cThey tell when you\u2019re coming. People walking before you know you\u2019re headed their way. They hear your keys.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cHere comes Madison! Run!\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We rode a trail by the side of the river. We cycled along the paved paths of a park at the trail-end, and she rode faster than I did, and I couldn\u2019t keep up. I looked at runners and chipmunks and at geese by the pond, and when a fox in the forest watched the Canada geese, I called to Madison.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cLook! See the fox?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

It started raining that day. She was ready. She stopped beneath a maple tree, and in the dry grass underneath the limbs and the leaves, she put the rain jacket on and zipped her keys in her pocket. My clothes were wet from the rain.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She said: \u201cYou couldn\u2019t keep up.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI saw a fox,\u201d I said.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cIn the forest. I tried to tell you. I called.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t hear you,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s hard to hear when there\u2019s someone behind me. I hear you best when you face me\u2014when I see what you say.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI need to face you,\u201d I said to her. Got it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She kissed my cheek.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cGood. You\u2019re learning. You\u2019ll learn.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n

<\/p>\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

But it was not always easy. We watched a movie at my apartment, and when I turned on the captions, Madison handed me the popcorn bowl.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI\u2019m going home now,\u201d she told me.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She came to the door the next morning, a box of donuts in her hands.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI know you\u2019re trying,\u201d she told me. \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We ate some donuts, went biking, and napped.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her hearing aids were small plastic snail shells, and she wore her hair down to hide them.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey look so strange,\u201d she explained. \u201cPeople notice. And they stare, and they whisper and laugh.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She put her hearing aids on the nightstand. The moment she turned away from me\u2014before she could fall asleep\u2014I whispered: \u201cI like you, Madison. I like being with you.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her hair was down, and it covered her pillow. It hid her ears. She had nothing to hide.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We bowled with some friends I\u2019ve known since high school, but we were late to the bowling alley. When I came to her house, she wore white socks and a bathrobe.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know what to wear,\u201d she told me.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI doubt they\u2019ll care what you wear. Wear that robe.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cBut I want them to like me.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI know they\u2019ll like you,\u201d I said.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cNo, you don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She chose dark jeans and a cable-knit sweater. She bowled a 187, and between turns she talked to Holly about the wage gap. She split a pitcher with Mark. Whitney wanted to know where the sweater was from, and when Madison bowled her third strike:<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWe like her,\u201d Holly told me. \u201cShe\u2019s smarter than the women you usually date.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cAnd she\u2019s nicer,\u201d said Whitney. \u201cShe\u2019s sweet.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She used a child\u2019s violet ball and spun the ball down the lane. We bowled a second game also, but Whitney had to get home because her mother was watching her children. We said goodbye to my friends, and I drove Madison home.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey liked you,\u201d I told her.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cDid they really?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey did.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI liked them, too. I liked meeting your friends.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Later that evening, she asked me:\u00a0\u201cWhen you talk to your friends about me, do you call me your deaf girlfriend?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I was walking her to her door then.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cNo,\u201d I told her. \u201cI call you Madison.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\"\"<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She knew sign language but seldom used it.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have a reason to,\u201d she told me. \u201cI sign around my deaf friends, but almost everyone around me can hear.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We were sitting in my living room, and I turned on the couch to face her.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cTeach me something,\u201d I said to her. She held a pillow against her chest.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI\u2019m not doing that,\u201d she told me. \u201cI\u2019m not teaching you sign language.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI want to learn it,\u201d I said. \u201cLearn it why, though? It\u2019s not a joke or a magic trick.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t say that it was.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a serious thing, and it matters.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cBut your friends know it?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cWill I meet them? If I meet them, I might need to know.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She tightened her arms around the pillow.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be there. I can translate.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cTeach me two or three things. Teach me\u00a0Hi\u00a0<\/em>anyway.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cHi\u00a0<\/em>is easy.\u00a0Hi\u00a0<\/em>is this.\u201d Then she signed a salute.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She had a house near the edge of the city. There were plants in every windowsill, and there were plants on the table. She\u2019d studied botany in college, and she worked for a florist.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cWe do arrangements,\u201d she told me. \u201cLots of weddings. Lots of funerals.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She had a vase of daisies on her nightstand. The flowers were wilted and browning, and when I reached for the vase, she told me:\u00a0\u201cLeave them alone.\u201d \u201cBut they\u2019re dying, I said. See? They\u2019re brown.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She turned the vase, and her lamp lit a blossom.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI bring them home when they\u2019re dying. They were meant to be seen, and they were beautiful once. They were blooming. No one bought them or saw them. Soon I\u2019ll throw them away. I like to look at them first\u2014while they\u2019re pretty.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey\u2019re not pretty,\u201d I said.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cNot to you.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She brought home daffodils, lilies, and roses. She brought a vase to my apartment, and when we made dinner together, we had flowers on the table. Petals dropped from the blooms, and when they fell, I collected them. I kept a box of lost petals in the back of the fridge behind some Cokes and a bottle of mustard. I kept her petals, her vase, and her notes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I thought about what you said<\/em>, she wrote,\u00a0and you\u2019re absolutely right. Mountains are better than beaches because there aren\u2019t any sharks. But if there were sharks on mountains, beaches would be a thousand times better.<\/em> Those were the kinds of notes she gave me. There were dozens, and I saved every one.<\/p>\r\n

<\/p>\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her parents lived in a house in the suburbs. She\u2019d visit them sometimes but didn\u2019t ask me to come.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI\u2019ve never brought anyone home,\u201d she told me. \u201cThey\u2019d make a big deal about it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI don\u2019t mind, I lied. I\u2019ll meet them whenever you\u2019re ready.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI know they\u2019d like you. They\u2019d know that you\u2019re kind.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

I said her name to myself when I missed her, and I started watching sign language videos. I learned the alphabet and numbers. I learned\u00a0The weather is nice<\/em>. I learned to ask someone\u2019s name and their birthday. I learned\u00a0Good morning<\/em>.\u00a0Goodnight<\/em>.\u00a0How are you?<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

In her house one evening, she pruned a fern by a window.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI really like plants,\u201d she told me. \u201cI like everything about them.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

We\u2019d just finished dinner. Our empty plates were on the table with a half-eaten tray of vegan casserole, and as I carried the plates to the kitchen, I asked her: \u201cIf you like plants so much, why do you eat them?\u201d She cut brown leaves from the fern with her scissors. \u201cBecause I like animals better.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She gave me a note the next morning.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I know when I kiss you that you\u2019re still eating meat<\/em>,\u00a0and it\u2019s fine. Eat your meat. I forgive you. But this cow is very disappointed in you!<\/em> She\u2019d drawn a sketch\u2014a cow with big, weeping eyes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She hated small, crowded places.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cIt gets too loud, she explained, and I hear nothing but static. I take my hearing aids out. I just stand.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

We went to a bar downtown because her colleagues recommended it, but it was much busier than we expected.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThis is terrible,\u201d she told me.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cWe can leave if you want.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t hear.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cWe can leave.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cTurn and face me.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWe can leave if you want.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cYes, I want to. We should wait a bit first. Have some drinks.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She took her hearing aids out, and we sat close to a window. I saved her place when she went to the restroom. The bar was busier then, and it was noisy and hot. She had to fight her way back through the bar-crowd. I must have signed without thinking.<\/p>\r\n

I asked her,\u00a0Go? Should we go?<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

She looked confused. Then she stopped and signed\u00a0Yes<\/em>.<\/p>\r\n

<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We\u2019d parked in a garage a block over and didn\u2019t speak on the way. She waited until we got to the car to ask me:<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhere did you learn that?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI watched videos,\u201d I told her.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cSign me something you learned. Something tricky.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I signed her name. I signed mine. I signed\u00a0Us<\/em>.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She helped me learn some new signs, and we practiced.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cStop it,\u201d she told me when my signing was clumsy. \u201cWatch me first. Watch my hands and expressions. You use your arms and your hands and your face.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

On a morning in March, I took a call from the hospital. There\u2019d been an accident, a woman told me, and Madison had been treated for her injuries. She needed someone to pick her up.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I met Madison in the waiting room.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI shouldn\u2019t have come here,\u201d she told me. \u201cThere wasn\u2019t anything wrong with me, but the police talked me into it. They thought maybe I\u2019d broken an arm or something, but look at this.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She moved her arms in a spasm-dance.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cNothing wrong with them,\u201d she said. \u201cNothing wrong with anything. Just some cuts and bruises.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She showed me the abrasions on her elbows and the knee that she\u2019d skinned.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t do anything wrong,\u201d she said. \u201cI was on my bicycle, and that clown in his Camry didn\u2019t see me, I guess, and he ran over my bike, and it\u2019s ruined. I\u2019ll have to buy a new bike, and I\u2019ll have hospital bills, and I have cuts on my hands and my elbows.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cBut nothing\u2019s broken.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI told you: my bike.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I took her home, and we ate, and we waited. The doctors were concerned about a concussion, so I stayed with her and sat on tub-edge as she took a long bath in Epsom salts. She showed me the bruise on her buttocks\u2014a bruise as wide as two hands.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cIt\u2019s kind of sore,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019ll sleep on my stomach.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThat bruise looks bad.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a dangerous world.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n

<\/p>\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The note she wrote the next morning exclaimed,\u00a0I\u2019m Madis-unbreakable!<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her new bike was faster than the old one. She wanted a road-bike\u2014a racing bike\u2014and found one at a bicycle repair shop. It was used but in good condition, and when we rode through the park, I rode a bus-length behind.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThis is speedy,\u201d she said.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cDo you like it?\u201d \u201cIt needs a basket,\u201d she said.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cYes, it does.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I signed to her even though she was wearing her hearing aids, but I paused as we talked and told her: \u201cI don\u2019t know how to sign it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the word?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cGeometric.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\u201cIt\u2019s this.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

She had a vast sign vocabulary, and her signing was fluid.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI like the way that you sign,\u201d I said. \u201cYou\u2019re good at it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s difficult,\u201d she told me. \u201cIf three signers were translating a speech someone gave, they might all sign it differently. That\u2019s the challenge of signing: the approximations.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

When I spoke with my co-workers, I sometimes signed what I told them, and when Madison and I were in loud places or when we were too far away for her to hear what I said, I used the signs that she\u2019d taught me, and Madison signed her replies.<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\u201cYou\u2019re getting better,\u201d she said.<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n

\u201cDo you think so?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cPretty soon, dear, we\u2019ll not need to talk.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She taped a note to the door. She\u2019d sketched a stick figure signing.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The man signed,\u00a0Dinner tonight? Meet at six?<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

<\/p>\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We held hands as we walked through the botanical gardens. We looked at ferns and rhododendrons, and she told me:<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI think I want cochlear implants.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cCochlear implants?\u201d I asked her.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey\u2019re electronic,\u201d she told me. \u201cThey bypass the ear and deliver sound to the nerves. I could hear with them, I think. I\u2019d hear better.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI know what they are,\u201d I said.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She showed me the flowering blooms of a hibiscus tree.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey\u2019re expensive,\u201d she told me, \u201cbut some insurance plans will pay for them. If I get a new job somewhere–\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We went to the desert garden\u2014a room with yucca and creosote bush. We stood near a small San Pedro cactus, and as I wondered about my medical plan\u2014what it covered, what it didn\u2019t\u2014she watched some children ahead of us run through the room.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI want to wake in the morning and hear the birds singing. When you wake, do you ever hear birds?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I looked at a tangle of mesquite and told her: \u201cI never sleep with the windows open.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She could be difficult sometimes. So could I. When we went out to dinner together and I still ordered meat, she told me: \u201cI wish you wouldn\u2019t do that. I think it\u2019s awful that you do that.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThat\u2019s fine, but I\u2019ll eat what I want to. I\u2019m cutting back.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cBut that isn\u2019t enough.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

And it bothered her that I drove more than I needed to.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you bike to work?\u201d she asked me.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cDriving is terrible for the environment, and it ruins the atmosphere.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

It was late November then. There was frost on the windows. I pointed toward the door and told her:<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cIt\u2019s cold outside, Madison. I\u2019d rather drive if it\u2019s cold.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cBut you drive in the middle of summer.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cIt\u2019s much too hot in the summer to bike.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

But I biked to the park with her when it was ninety degrees out, and we brought bread from her house to give to ducks at the pond. We tore some slices of bread and threw the bread to the ducks, and with her hand in the bread bag she told me:\u00a0\u201cYou don\u2019t appreciate it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhat you hear.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I disappointed her without meaning to. When I signed to her across the living room one night\u2014she was on the end of the couch; I was standing in the doorway\u2014she frowned at me with an unmistakable look of frustration, and signing to me with slow, contemptuous gestures: \u201cYou\u2019re not listening, she told me.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

A note that I found beneath a refrigerator magnet said,\u00a0I\u2019m sorry I get so angry at you all the time. It\u2019s not your fault. I don\u2019t know what I want.<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I told her that she could move in if she wanted to.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t do that,\u201d she told me. \u201cI own a house. You have an apartment. If anything, you should move in with me.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cDo you want me to?\u201d I asked her.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cMaybe someday,\u201d she said. \u201cThe sky looks clear. Want to go on a bike ride?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cIf you want to,\u201d I said, \u201cwe can bike.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

When she stayed overnight, she put her hearing aids on the nightstand. I\u2019d hold her till she fell asleep, and when the bedroom was silent and moonlight streamed through the curtains, I asked her: \u201cWhy does everything have to be so hard with you?\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Or I told her:\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m really trying, Madison.\u201d Or:\u00a0\u201cI hate it when you act that way.\u00a0Hate<\/em>\u00a0it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We were never good at telling one another the things that mattered. We talked about refugee crises and social welfare programs and the ethics of eating dairy products, but the things we should have said went unspoken, and I had to wait until she fell asleep in my bed, her pair of hearing aids on the nightstand, before I leaned to her and whispered:\u00a0\u201cI love you.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

<\/p>\r\n

.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We planned to go to an event at the art museum, but when I got to her house that evening, she was still in the shower.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you go without me?\u201d she said.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to go without you. If you don\u2019t want to go, we\u2019ll stay in.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I waited for her in the living room. Dismal daises in a windowsill wilted and drooped, and when she came from the shower in her terrycloth robe, she told me:\u00a0\u201cI made other plans tonight.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI don\u2019t understand,” I told her. \u201cWe said we\u2019d go to the art museum.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI know that we said that. But my friends are in town, and we decided to meet.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI\u2019d love to meet them.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cThey\u2019re deaf, though. We all are. You\u2019d be the only one there who can hear.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I touched the bloom of a withered daisy, and I stared at the bloom.<\/p>\r\n

\u201cI like you,\u201d she told me, \u201cbut I think we need some time away from each other.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI think I\u2019ll go,\u201d I said. \u201cYou\u2019re right: I should go.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\"\"<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

After work the next day, I found a note on my door. That was how it ended. I put the note with the other notes and rode to the park and left my bike by the base of a shade tree. The air was windy and cold. I walked home.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I went bowling with my friends that weekend, and they asked about Madison. I thought about calling her or about visiting her at the flower shop, but I went to the grocery store instead and filled my freezer with meat. I opened windows and listened for birdsongs. I heard machinery. Pile drivers. Trucks. Last February, a deaf man moved into my apartment building. He has red hair and always wears a stocking cap, and when I see him in the hallway or at the mailboxes by the door, I sign to him, and he signs back to me.\u00a0How are you?<\/em> we ask one another. Seen any good movies lately? How about the weather we\u2019ve been having?<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

That kind of thing.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n

Casey McConahay<\/strong> is a Pushcart Prize-nominated author whose work has appeared in December<\/em>, Lake Effect<\/em>, and Southern Humanities<\/em>. He lives in northwest Ohio.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 You’re Not Listening Casey McConahay She picked through half-eaten salad drowned in pools of ranch dressing. A man behind us discussed an article he\u2019d read in the latest\u00a0Reader\u2019s Digest, Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3453,"featured_media":0,"parent":1301,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/605"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3453"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=605"}],"version-history":[{"count":21,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/605\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1514,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/605\/revisions\/1514"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1301"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubalt.edu\/welter\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=605"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}