DIAGNOSIS
Maggie Jordan
Joke (noun)
a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline.
Just fucking kill yourself. Set of words spat by a classmate.
You’re too sensitive. The guidance counselor’s response when I came in after school, asking for some support.
It was just a joke. Something I heard many times over the years.
I ask what is wrong with me?
Why must existence hurt so much?
I beg the universe in silence.
“I talk to God, but the sky is empty” – Sylvia Plath.
***
Serious (adjective)
demanding careful consideration or application.
My family tells me I just need to grow thicker skin and learn to handle Ordinary Life.
Counselors advise me to simply care less; you’re just so… (the woman pauses, grasping for a new adjective) intense.
My friends say I am just so goddamn dramatic.
Stop looking for something that doesn’t exist. Shut up and cope, like the rest of us.
***
Diagnosis (noun)
the identification of the nature of an illness or other problem by examination of the symptoms.
The doctors say my problem lies in my breasts, my uterus. Control your emotional feminine mind, their platitudes seem to say.
The internet suggests hundreds of mental conditions.
A therapist tells me to just picture dancing pink elephants, something silly! Just laugh instead.
My psychiatrist apologizes. Here, I’ll prescribe you a low dosage of Zoloft.
I wonder why my attempts must be so fruitless. I beg again: why aren’t I whole?
“When I desire you, a part of me is gone.” – Anne Carson.
***
Epitaph (noun)
a phrase or form of words written in memory of a person, especially as an inscription on a tombstone.
Maybe it would be easier now to invent some sort of inspirational lie. Pretend that this morning I didn’t wake up with a puffy face from last night’s tears. Tell people that I found the right doctor, that I got diagnosed, that I don’t wish every morning I’d die in my sleep. I could say to you, Reader, that things are better now.
I could lie to you, as they lied to me.
But that wouldn’t be taking you seriously.
I won’t defeat my story.
Your victim of introspection is still searching for her answers alone.
Maggie Jordan is a third-year English major at Florida Southern College. In between teaching at the campus Writing Club, running her literary magazine The Edge, and doing homework, Maggie enjoys practicing photography and grabbing coffee with her friends at the local library. She most delights in creative nonfiction and poetry pieces, although she dabbles in a little bit of everything.